Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Wrestling with God

Jesus said to him, “Have you come to believe because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”
~John 20:29

The LORD spoke to Ahaz, saying: Ask for a sign from the LORD, your God; let it be deep as the nether world, or high as the sky! But Ahaz answered, “I will not ask! I will not tempt the LORD!” Then Isaiah said: Listen, O house of David! Is it not enough for you to weary people, must you also weary my God? Therefore the Lord himself will give you this sign: the virgin shall be with child, and bear a son, and shall name him Emmanuel, which means “God is with us!”
~Isaiah 7:10-14

After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer walked with him. Jesus said to the Twelve, "Will you also go away?" Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life; and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."
~John 6:66-69

Lately I have been having a hard time with discerning what God wants me to do with my life. No matter how much I pester Him, the only answer I get is "Wait and see". Last night I was IMing with Durnhelm (who should get a prize in patience for putting up with me) and telling her all about it. She basically told me to stop worrying, be patient, and enjoy the blessings I have now.

She was right, of course. On a certain level it was nice to have someone whose wisdom and discernment I respect confirming what I've been hearing these past few weeks, but on another level I was frustrated with God for giving me the same old answer. I don't want to wait and see. I want to be doing something, and I don't care if it helps God's perfect plan.

In other words, I was having a bit of a temper tantrum with my Abba. This morning, after I'd cooled off a bit, I made some effort at praying. I don't like being on the outs with God.

What I got was this: You asked for a sign and you got it.

Um, yeah. I got the sign I wanted. It didn't help.

So I pondered this a bit more and finally realized this: Faith is not built on signs and wonders.

God has worked in my life in some extraordinary ways, some of which are chronicled on this blog. But that is not why I believe in Him. There was a day, about 5 1/2 years ago, when I chose to believe in God, and that choice wasn't the result of some sign God had worked in my life. It was the result of looking at the world and realizing that if this is all there is then it's a pretty pointless, messed-up, depressing kind of place. It was the result of realizing, furthermore, that I could despair over the fact that I don't understand life, or I could take a chance that there exists Someone who does understand.

I threw my lot in with God that day and although I've had my struggles and difficulties I've never once doubted that choice. God is the only thing that makes my world make sense. I believe in Him because there is no other choice that I could possibly have made. I believe in Him because He has the words of eternal life. I believe in Him even when I cannot see.


Theocentrica said...

Don't you love it when you ask God for something and he doesnt say yes or no, just "WAIT" ?
I think I know how you feel...

~Mari (friend of The Cobbler)

Anonymous said...

If you "want to be doing something", then you should do something--God will fit it into His plan regardless.

By the way, you are doing something--it's called "school" (at the best Catholic university in the world).


Shakespeare's Cobbler said...

I say "Lord, show me what you want me to do," and He replies something to the effect of "I'll help you do it whatever it is, you know," and I think something along the lines of "Um, I didn't think that was what I was asking."