Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tired

I feel like I haven't been posting on this blog as much as I ought lately. Maybe because lately I haven't been seeing much of God in the mundane.

Don't get me wrong, life is pretty good. Nothing terribly exciting happens, but I've never been one to like much excitement. The Princess is the cutest kid in the world and the Cobbler is the best boyfriend in the world and really with the way life is going I have no reason not to be happy.

And I am happy, most of the time. But I'm also tired. Soul-deep tired, and I find myself wishing that I could get back to the days when God seemed closer. I might not have had as many of the things I wanted back then--but then again, the fewer things you have the less you have to lose.

There's a chance that the Princess' case, which has been in legal limbo for months now, is actually going to go somewhere. There's a chance that the county might actually acknowledge what I've known for a long time--she's ours. She was always meant to be ours.

Scott continues to be wonderful, and I continue to wonder what I ever did that made God think I was good enough for him. Yet as many times as I remind myself that I'm the most blessed girl on earth to have him...it's still really, really hard. Because he's far away, and he's going to be far away for years yet, and every single day I miss him so much it hurts.

And at Franciscan I'd go curl up in the Port for a few hours but I don't have that choice here. I wish I was better at finding ways to let God find me, but I'm not. I have to practically be tripping over Him to notice He's there.

So instead of getting back to the place where I'm okay with where I am even if it's not perfect, I'm back in the place where I tell myself that once this happens things will get easier...and so get wrapped up in my illusion of life magically becoming easy (which it won't, thanks to Original Sin and living in a fallen world and all those nice things), such that I can't deal with life the way it is now. And I don't like this place at all.

Pray for me?

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