(This episode heavily inspired by Eagle Brand Festive Fudge. Please note that Eagle Brand is not paying me at all for this. They probably don't know that I exist.)
Step one: Get out the larger of the two little pots. (If you do not have the same set of pots and pans as I do, you can use any pot that holds about 4 cups.)
Step 2: Look for chocolate chips.
Step 3: Find them in the freezer of the kitchen fridge.
Step 4: Be glad you do not have to go out to the garage fridge.
Step 5: Get out two bags of chocolate chips.
Step 6: Dump one of them into the pot.
Step 7: Think about eyeballing the next step.
Step 8: Get out a 1-cup measure instead.
Step 9: Measure 1 cup chocolate chips from the second bag.
Step 10: Get a bread twisty out of the junk drawer and put the half-bag of chocolate chips away in the fridge.
Step 11: Eat a few chocolate chips out of the pot.
Step 12: Open the can of sweetened condensed milk. It is not Eagle Brand. It is probably from Aldi.
Step 13: Very carefully lick the lid--because sweetened condensed milk is good, but you don't want to have to explain to anybody why you have lacerations on your tongue.
Step 14: Dump the can on top of the chocolate chips.
Step 15: Use a spatula to get the rest of the milk out of the can.
Step 16: Lick the spatula.
Step 17: Shake some salt into your hand. Decide that it looks like "a pinch" and toss it in.
Step 18: Turn on the burner. Stuff cooks faster that way.
Step 19: Stir with a large plastic spoon.
Step 20: Eat a peanut butter cookie.
Step 21: Stir some more.
Step 22: Realize that you have a mother on one side of you and a sister on the other, both of them intently watching you.
Step 23: Announce, "If anybody's close enough for me to reach out and smack them, I will."
Step 24: Revel in your newfound privacy.
Step 25: Remember that you need to prepare the pan.
Step 26: Ask your mother if it's okay to use tinfoil in place of wax paper. Get an emphatic no.
Step 27: Use plastic wrap.
Step 28: Stir the fudge some more.
Step 29: When the fudge has turned into a gigantic chocolatey lump around your spoon, turn off the burner.
Step 30: Find the vanilla and adjustable measuring spoon.
Step 31: Reflect on the fact that for some reason you are always forced to use the adjustable measuring spoon when you make fudge.
Step 32: Quickly measure out a teaspoon and a half of vanilla, because if you don't do it fast it leaks under the adjustor and you get more than you bargained for.
Step 33: Toss it in.
Step 34: Lick a drop off your finger. Remember that vanilla extract doesn't taste good.
Step 35: Notice vanilla-scented smoke coming off your fudge and take it off the heat.
Step 36: Stir in vanilla.
Step 37: Turn into plastic-wrap-lined pan.
Step 38: Smooth over with spoon.
Step 39: Lick spoon.
Step 40: Fold over plastic wrap and put pan in fridge to chill.