Monday, December 13, 2010

The Scatterbrained Chef: Fudge so easy, even I can't mess it up

(This episode heavily inspired by Eagle Brand Festive Fudge. Please note that Eagle Brand is not paying me at all for this. They probably don't know that I exist.)


Step one: Get out the larger of the two little pots. (If you do not have the same set of pots and pans as I do, you can use any pot that holds about 4 cups.)

Step 2: Look for chocolate chips.

Step 3: Find them in the freezer of the kitchen fridge.

Step 4: Be glad you do not have to go out to the garage fridge.

Step 5: Get out two bags of chocolate chips.

Step 6: Dump one of them into the pot.

Step 7: Think about eyeballing the next step.

Step 8: Get out a 1-cup measure instead.

Step 9: Measure 1 cup chocolate chips from the second bag.

Step 10: Get a bread twisty out of the junk drawer and put the half-bag of chocolate chips away in the fridge.

Step 11: Eat a few chocolate chips out of the pot.

Step 12: Open the can of sweetened condensed milk. It is not Eagle Brand. It is probably from Aldi.

Step 13: Very carefully lick the lid--because sweetened condensed milk is good, but you don't want to have to explain to anybody why you have lacerations on your tongue.

Step 14: Dump the can on top of the chocolate chips.

Step 15: Use a spatula to get the rest of the milk out of the can.

Step 16: Lick the spatula.

Step 17: Shake some salt into your hand. Decide that it looks like "a pinch" and toss it in.

Step 18: Turn on the burner. Stuff cooks faster that way.

Step 19: Stir with a large plastic spoon.

Step 20: Eat a peanut butter cookie.

Step 21: Stir some more.

Step 22: Realize that you have a mother on one side of you and a sister on the other, both of them intently watching you.

Step 23: Announce, "If anybody's close enough for me to reach out and smack them, I will."

Step 24: Revel in your newfound privacy.

Step 25: Remember that you need to prepare the pan.

Step 26: Ask your mother if it's okay to use tinfoil in place of wax paper. Get an emphatic no.

Step 27: Use plastic wrap.

Step 28: Stir the fudge some more.

Step 29: When the fudge has turned into a gigantic chocolatey lump around your spoon, turn off the burner.

Step 30: Find the vanilla and adjustable measuring spoon.

Step 31: Reflect on the fact that for some reason you are always forced to use the adjustable measuring spoon when you make fudge.

Step 32: Quickly measure out a teaspoon and a half of vanilla, because if you don't do it fast it leaks under the adjustor and you get more than you bargained for.

Step 33: Toss it in.

Step 34: Lick a drop off your finger. Remember that vanilla extract doesn't taste good.

Step 35: Notice vanilla-scented smoke coming off your fudge and take it off the heat.

Step 36: Stir in vanilla.

Step 37: Turn into plastic-wrap-lined pan.

Step 38: Smooth over with spoon.

Step 39: Lick spoon.

Step 40: Fold over plastic wrap and put pan in fridge to chill.

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