I went to Confession today and mentioned that I haven't had a routine of prayer in a long time...I pray when I want something, but otherwise God feels kind of irrelevant to my daily life.
After I rattled off the rest of my sin laundry list, Father pulled it all together by recommending that I ask God to help me put my focus on him.
The image struck me as particularly profound, and as I prayed in church afterwards I wondered why.
Then I remembered all the times this week I prayed and told God that I was drowning and he needed to save me. And I thought of Peter, thinking he could walk on water, losing his focus on Jesus, drowning, calling out for help.
So, yeah. Focus.
A couple of weeks ago I was telling my therapist about certain things that happened during the baby's newborn days and he suggested that I felt disappointed. I accepted this suggestion, but upon further reflection decided that a better word for the feeling would be abandoned. Like nobody was ever going to help me. Like nobody even understood that I needed help.
Praying after Confession today, I wondered if maybe the reason I stopped praying was because I felt like God had abandoned me too.
But of course he never did.