Saturday, July 12, 2014

Focus and abandonment

I went to Confession today and mentioned that I haven't had a routine of prayer in a long time...I pray when I want something, but otherwise God feels kind of irrelevant to my daily life.

After I rattled off the rest of my sin laundry list, Father pulled it all together by recommending that I ask God to help me put my focus on him.

The image struck me as particularly profound, and as I prayed in church afterwards I wondered why.

Then I remembered all the times this week I prayed and told God that I was drowning and he needed to save me. And I thought of Peter, thinking he could walk on water, losing his focus on Jesus, drowning, calling out for help.

So, yeah. Focus.


A couple of weeks ago I was telling my therapist about certain things that happened during the baby's newborn days and he suggested that I felt disappointed. I accepted this suggestion, but upon further reflection decided that a better word for the feeling would be abandoned. Like nobody was ever going to help me. Like nobody even understood that I needed help.

Praying after Confession today, I wondered if maybe the reason I stopped praying was because I felt like God had abandoned me too.

But of course he never did.


Melanie Bettinelli said...

I can totally relate to that feeling of abandonment. I think it's come with every one of my kids at one point or another. With Lucy it lasted the entire nine months of my pregnancy.

The Sojourner said...

Pregnancy was definitely a whole new ball game for my mental health. Not that I think my depression was all just hormones, but they sure don't help, do they?